The Big Inboard/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] harold: The time for decisions has come and gone. Well, we didn't make any, and it's pretty much too late now. So sit back -- or sit up -- well, pretty much sit anyway you want, 'cause it's really none of my business. But, anyway, it's time for the show like no other shows -- to the extent, you know, that this is our show, meaning, you know, me and myself and my uncle, who happens to be the star of the "red green show," red green! Thank you. Thank you, harold. And, uh, a special thank you to our viewers for bucking the trend. And speaking of which, harold, come on over here a minute. Uh, harold is producer/director and my nephew on the show, and, uh, he's got this little machine here, and he's able to really keep things moving along for us. It's a video-effect machine. It goes like this. [ keys clacking ] wa-a-a-a! That way, I can bail out of a boring segment into a more interesting one, you know, if the need should arise, which I'm sure it does. Well, anyway, uh, golly, we had a heck of a time up at the lodge this week. We sat around, and we started discussing what it means to be a real man. And, uh, funny -- what it came down to was you got to be loud, strong, and smell like gas. And, of course, to us, that meant you had to have an outboard motor. Or a video-effect machine. Wa! Well, we decided right then and there we were gonna have the biggest, uh, outboard motor on the lake, which meant that we had to build it ourselves. Uh, harold, do you happen to know what a 427-cubic-inch engine is? No, but why don't we go to the next segment? We'll have a chance to look it up. Well, I-I can tell you what it is, harold. Oh. It's too late. Darn. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ on a clear summer night when the warm summer breeze ♪ ♪ comes down to the water and rustles the trees ♪ ♪ a bunch of us meet there and strip to the buff ♪ ♪ 'cause boys will be boys and enough is enough ♪ ♪ we go skinny-dippin' ♪ ♪ skinny-dippin' ♪ ♪ we wop and flippin' ♪ ♪ when nature's callin' ♪ ♪ we go cannonballin' ♪ ♪ heart rate rises, the spirit soars ♪ ♪ the moon you see might even be yours ♪ ♪ skinny-dippin' ♪ ♪ slappin' my butt on the lake ♪ I wouldn't drink the water. [ groans ] now he tells me. Uh, this week at the "handyman corner," uh, what I'm gonna show you is how to operate this powerful electrical device. Uh, this right here is a, uh -- it's a belt sander. But I wouldn't advise you sanding your belt with it, unless you are really into the celibacy thing. Anyway, let me show you how it just works with this little piece of wood I got right here. [ motor whirring ] uh, that reminds me -- I wanted to talk about safety goggles. Anyway, uh... I'll show you something else you can do with the sander. It's good for, uh... Sanding a big... Big flat surface, like a door here. [ coughs ] now, with the door, the first thing you have to decide is which way is the grain going. All right. Uh, the grain is going that way. So we, uh -- we sand against the grain. Now, you hold it level, little bit nose up, keep her steady, and bring her down onto the door. [ motor whirring ] [ crashing ] all right, that's right, too. I forgot, uh, you have to sand with the grain. So, what I'll do is just, uh, swing the door around. All right. Now, get the sander going and drop her down onto the door. [ motor whirring ] [ door crashes ] well, I'm obviously not gonna be able to finish this job until I get a longer workbench. So, uh, until next time, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. You'll want to come, uh, right back after the break and, uh, hear more about the outboard motor, unless I miss my gas. Which is quite possible... In my opinion. "it is winter. "children's laughter at the front door. "they tumble into the house, boots off, hats off, "sweaters, snowsuits, scarves, and mittens are peeled away. Hey, these aren't your kids." as I was saying, uh, out building our own outboard motor, uh, we were lucky enough to get our hands on a 427 engine, which fell out of a friend's car when buster hadfield did an oil change on it. Yeah, well, the insurance paid for everything, so we ended up with a motor. We figured it would be ideal to build an outboard around that. So, next thing we needed was a drive shaft. We decided to use our, uh, shower rod because, uh, we weren't using it 'cause we don't have a shower curtain 'cause we don't have showers 'cause we don't have hot water 'cause we don't have water. So, when you get a motor that size, it'd just be wasted on a normal-size prop, so we had to think of something a little bigger, like, uh, a ceiling fan. So we hooked the whole rig up there and put it all together with, uh, the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. And then we mounted her on the back of the aluminum boat. But, you know, golly, the weight distribution was kind of off on that, so we ended up turning the whole front half of the boat into a gas tank. Uncle red, uh, next segment's all ready. Red: Well, I don't care, harold. Oh, okay. What'd you do that for? Well, you said you didn't care. Make up your mind. Geez! Gord: Red green? Yeah? Is that really you, or is it just another hallucination? No, no. It's not a hallucination. Hallucination's don't have professional tv cameramen following them around, huh? That's right. [ both laugh ] well, please, excuse the mess. I've been changing things around a little. You know what they say -- a change is as good as a vacation, and I haven't had a vacation in 13 years, and I figured, "why not have a change?" gosh, 13 years without a vacation. Boy, that's something. There's a word for that, isn't there? What is it? Uh... Dedication? Sure, sure, yeah. Dedication and, uh... Loneliness. [ sobbing ] that's all right. That's all right. No, that's okay. Don't worry about it. You know what I miss the most? What? Tv, my favorite tv shows, you know? "laverne & shirley." "welcome back, kotter," "hawaii five-0." yeah. Sometimes I'll act out all my favorite scenes, play all the roles, you know? "eight is enough" is the toughest. Oh, sure, yeah. What do you do to stop yourself from going crazy up here, gord? Well, I try to keep myself busy, you know? Yeah, sure. I take all kinds of correspondence courses. Yeah. Makes sense, yeah, yeah. Right now, I'm learning bricklaying by mail. Oh. You know winston churchill enjoyed laying bricks? I didn't know that. Yeah, and I'm learning a second language -- beaver. Beaver? Yeah. It's a great language. I'm picking it up from the beavers down by the river. Okay. Yeah, and beaver's easier to learn than german. Whereas german will have three gender, beaver only has one, so it's a lot like english in that way. And a lot of the words are similar. Uh, the beaver word for thunderstorm, for instance, is lips that is close. Yeah. Do you know there are over 40 different beaver words for "tree stump"? Gosh, that's -- oh, it's a rich language, red, especially when it comes to trees and bark and rutting, or as we say lips [ chuckling ] oh. That is -- isn't that great? Well, and, uh, the beavers don't have a word for transmission. Oh, they don't, but they don't care. No, they wouldn't. No, like, the beavers have a saying... [ smacks lips ] what does that translate as? "let's chop down this tree and drag it to the river." okay, gord, uh, I think we got to get going here, but thanks a lot for your time. We want to get back here -- please don't -- no, no, it's all right. Please don't go. And we'll come back another time. Okay! How about Saturday then, huh? Well, we'll see. Uh, is 4:00 okay with you? Well, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that, gord, okay? All right, just slap your tail in the water. Yeah, I'll look forward to that. Bye. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ go down to the swamp in the summertime ♪ ♪ cover your thighs with sludge and slime ♪ ♪ and slap them together in three-quarter time ♪ ♪ now you're doing the marshy bog jig ♪ ♪ the marshy bog jig, the marshy bog jig ♪ ♪ there's never been a dance ever this big ♪ ♪ never, never ♪ ♪ you don't need lessons, just join right in ♪ ♪ but it helps if you're pretty well-hammered ♪ oh, uncle red, this great, excellent. It's mailbag time. I found the letters a tad repetitive, based on the demographics. You know, we're skewing 40-plus? So I've selected some letters from some teenagers to give this segment more of a-a now feel to it, you know? [ laughs ] we don't have to. Just read the letters, harold. Okay, I'll just read the letters like I'm supposed to. Here's letter number one from our viewers. Um, "dear red, I'm a 14-year-old girl who's never seen your show "because it's, like, totally gross. "what do you think of new kids on the block? "are they excellent or what? "seriously, what's so great about math? "I think it's, like, totally gross. "who's the nerdy guy who says he's your nephew? The guy is, like, a major doofus." signed, amanda. What's a doofus, harold? Well, a doofus is, like, uh -- like a stud, a really cool and nifty guy. Ha, doofus. Well, uh, amanda, I don't know if there was a question in your letter. I certainly didn't hear one, but, uh, if there was, the answer is no. That's excellent. Communicating with the young people of today. That's excellent, uncle red. Letter number two from another teenager, uh, viewer. "dear red, we enjoy the 'red green show' every week. "we never miss an episode. "many teenagers think you're an old fogy "and they make fun of you. "but we think the 'red green show' is entertaining and informative about things that concern young people." signed, doug holes, jim nasium, and I.P. Daily. That's excellent. That's great. That's excellent. They're listening to you. You're getting to the people of today. That's excellent. Yep. Well, maybe someday I'll be a doofus, eh, harold? I can help. Ooh! Red: Bill and I, uh, went out on the lake there and, uh, shot this little film. Uh, really wanted to throat wanted to show you what it, uh -- what it was like to try and portage a canoe. But, of course, first, we had to throat first, we had to land the canoe before you can actually do the portaging. Uh, well, you know, luckily, bill had the rope. [ clears throat ] maybe he should have untangled that. And I don't know what -- I don't know what -- I don't know what he had in mind there. And I tried to paddle the dock out to bill, 'cause he's bringing, uh -- bringing the canoe in. But, god, it was a beautiful day. You know, we just finally just got him up there somehow. And he tried to pull her up this way. Now, interestingly enough, uh, water goes in the back of the canoe, and, by god, she gets kind of heavy. I got to hand it to bill, 'cause you really don't know what's in that -- in that water. I know there's a lot of dead cattle in there and some vehicles and, uh, I think a couple of the lodge members are down there. Anyway, we, uh -- we eventually got her up. I thought we just would just pull it right up on the dock from the side, a little different angle, and then we'd have it to work with -- well... Oh, oh. Oh. Well, maybe a little wider dock might have -- anyway, we, uh -- we decided bill would just paddle the canoe up to the beach area and forget about the dock at the time being. You know, the bottom's got a lot of spongy, sticky kind of -- he, uh throat that's the kind of thing that can happen. Anyway, luckily, we have 700 or 800 paddles. And that laughs I don't think we'll ever see that one again. Then he got her up onshore there. Ooh! Kind of an interesting technique. Uh, bill and I just kind of get...There, you know? So, now to get ready for the portage, what you got to do is you got to -- you see what he's saying there is you got to pick the canoe up. So we're gonna -- I'm gonna help him pick the thing... [ clears throat ] quite a bit of stuff in there, you know? But, uh -- oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Well, he's all right. Uh, so, uh, next thing we do is we're gonna pick it up from the side rather than from the end. And we got a lot of the crap out of there. Oh, bill. You know, uh... They're just, uh -- just not making the canoes the way they used to. They're a lot stronger now. Your old, uh -- your old birchbark there would just, uh, I think collapse under that kind of strain. But it's got the aluminum over the fiberglass. You know, bill will vouch for the strength of these things. Anyway, uh, you know, it's got a lot of recuperative powers. And we get the canoe up onto his head there. And, of course, the problem now is he can't see which way the -- which way the water is, you know, which is -- I'm trying to direct him, you know? "back that way, bill," kind of a deal. But it was a lot of fun. Dangerous, dangerous, but fun. "it is winter. "down the hill you race, flat on your back, "screaming, eyes closed on a toboggan. "up the hill you go, flat on your back, screaming, eyes closed on a stretcher." well, this, uh, part of the show, uh, I'll give harold a chance to talk about the things that are bothering, uh, young people, 'cause they seem to trust him or at least not feel threatened by him. Harold. What? Oh, yeah, okay. [ laughs ] okay. Sex education. Wa-a-a-a! Um, you might want to get the kids out of the room or, like, make clearing-your-throat noises or something like that. Ask them how school went, get them distracted, right? Okay, okay, here we go. Sex education. We're supposed to be all modern about it and stuff, 'cause it's, like, the '90s, right? [ beeping ] yeah, it is! Okay, so, in school, right, the teacher's like, "don't be ashamed, don't be embarrassed by it "or nothing, you know? It's okay. It's natural." but yet, our parents won't even talk about it with us, and we know they do. We know, because, like, every time they have an anniversary, they send the kids to the movies for the night. We don't ever do that, right? So we know. We know what you're doing. We know. We do. [ laughs ] and you tear all the good articles out of the reader's digest before we get a chance to read them. A real good one like, "I was joe's prostate." [ laughs ] that's a good one, too. So, my point is -- I just want to say that I'm glad I'm not like adults and have hang-ups about...Well... [ chuckles ] well, you know... [ laughs ] don't go away. I can't wait to finish my story about the outboard motor. I'll make sure that he has to. Gord: ♪ staying alive, staying alive ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ well, this is certainly one of my favorite, uh, aspects of, uh -- of being a human being, and that is, uh, you know, not to be quite so selfish and, uh, not to just think of yourself and spending time with people like yourself, if there happen to be any, but actually to take some time and spend some of your valuable time with some of the young people, uh, some of the great, great young people of this country. Maybe you have a nephew. Hopefully not like harold. But, uh, maybe there's a kid down the street or, you know, maybe you get involved with the big brothers or whatever or, uh -- or maybe you just, you know, had the bad luck of having your own kids. Whatever it is. Uh, my friend here, uh... David. David. And, uh, david and I are gonna do something together today, just, you know, buds. We call it buds, huh? Huh? Yeah. [ clears throat ] you know what we're gonna do today, david? We're gonna play a game of croquet. You know what croquet is? No, not really. Oh, well, now this is a thrill for me, because not only am I spending some time, I'm teaching him a new type of sport that, obviously, uh, david otherwise would never be exposed to. Uh, david, uh, the game of croquet is, uh, you put these little metal hoops into the lawn and then you have mallets and you knock balls through the hoops. It's an awful lot of fun. And you can hit the other person's ball and you can just knock the living bejabbers of it and smash it to bits if you want, you know? Sounds like your kind of game. [ clears throat ] you know, golly, the problem we're gonna have here, dave, is, uh, I believe this grass may just be a tad long for a real good game of croquet, and if we're gonna play croquet, we might as well play a good game of croquet, right? Yeah. So, you know what we need? What? One of these. Watch your feet there. [ motor sputtering ] do you want to push it along while I'm doing this, and we'll get the lawn cut? [ motor turns over ] all right, away you go. So, uh, the beauty of it is you're spending time with a young person and, uh, they're learning all about a whole new game. Oh, god, he's gonna be all day doing that. Red: I got to get a new outboard motor. This one kind of -- kind of smells. Is that oil? Is that oil I smell in that? Don't ask me, red. I lost my sense of smell for oil when I worked on that offshore rig. You worked on one of them oil rigs? Boy, those things are huge, aren't they? 8 1/2 trillion tons. Really? Trillion? And we weren't drilling for oil. We were drilling for gunpowder. That'd be a little dangerous, wouldn't it have, drilling for gunpowder? Well, the water helps and it's under a lot of pressure. This was a deep part of the ocean. I'd say maybe, oh, 20,000 leagues under the sea. That's deep. Yeah, well, never figured it out. A league is over 6 feet, eh? No, that's a -- that's a fathom. [ chuckles ] red, a league is a metric fathom. You sure about that, hap? I never heard that before. Anyway, one day, I was running the drill. We had maybe 21,000 leagues of pipe going straight down, and I hit the mother lode -- pure gunpowder. And she blew. Boom! Not completely, but big. That pipe blew straight up. 21,000 leagues of pipe shot straight up and out into space. Traveling even 15 times the speed of sound, it took nine minutes for the end of that pipe to pass by me. Noisy? You wouldn't believe the racket. After that, gunpowder mining was declared unsafe. Where'd the pipeline come down? Mars. Nothing personal, hap, but, uh, I'm having a real problem believing this story. Doesn't bother me if you believe it or you don't. You weren't there. No, but at least I'm willing to admit it. So, as I was saying, uh, we got the outboard motor all mounted on there and we got the boat all gassed up and everything, but, uh, you know, it was still too heavy at the back end, so, uh, we put moose thompson in there, but then all the weight was up at the front, as it is on moose, too. So, uh, turned out that buster hadfield, uh, had to be our test pilot, so he got in there, and we kind of pointed the boat out towards the center of the lake. And, uh, it took us a while to get it going, though, because, uh, a 427 v8 is not all that easy to pull-start. But, uh, we did get her going, and, uh, buster hit the throttle, and it broke off right in his hand, you know, but not before it had jammed wide open. So, it was, uh, I guess about three seconds -- that motor was doing 80 miles an hour. Unfortunately, the boat was only doing 75. So, uh, she broke off through the trans and started to work her way up, you know, through the boat, up over the seats, and in between buster's legs and so on. And, uh, golly, it was -- it was really something. Turned out, you know, luckily, that, uh, buster only damaged his pride, or I should say his pride and joy. Uh, he tried to jump over the spinning blades, and, golly, he only missed by a hair. But, anyway throat if my wife is watching, I'll be, uh, coming home, but I think I'm gonna stay up and read a little bit tonight, so maybe you could leave the comic section on the fridge. Anyway, uh, thank you very much for tuning us in, and on behalf of myself and, uh... Harold. ...Harold and the rest of the gang up here at the lodge, uh, until next time around, keep your stick on the ice. Sorry, harold. [ indistinct conversation ]